There are a lot of different ideas out there about dating and how to find someone to spend your life with. Many of you aren’t ready to think about the whole marriage thing. You may feel like it’s far off and that you have plenty of time to find “the one.” Others of you might think about it all the time. Marriage is something you desire so strongly that whenever you meet someone of the opposite sex, your first thought is whether or not they are marriage material. Wherever you are on the spectrum, I would love to challenge you to read on and think about how you will make your choice. You might be thinking, “Choice?! Isn’t love something that just happens?” You meet this girl or guy and just automatically know she or he is the one. Having just gone through the process of meeting someone, dating, and getting married, I’ve learned that it isn’t that easy and if you just depend on your feelings, you could get yourself into a messy situation.
The Importance of Marriage
“You can’t expect your marriage to be strong if you don’t have a strong view of marriage.”
Throughout high school and college, I thought a lot about marriage and who I would want to spend the rest of my life with. I always expected it to look like the movies, where you meet this guy, fall madly in love, and live happily ever after. There’s some truth to this, but there’s a lot that movies leave out. For example, you can’t just follow that strong feeling. And you can’t just spend your life waiting for those feelings to happen so you’ll know it’s right. You also can’t expect to have a good marriage if you are not willing to work at it. And you can’t expect your marriage to be strong if you don’t have a strong view of marriage.
One of the biggest things I have learned from marriage is that it’s a huge deal. It affects your entire life. From what you are going to eat and when you will get up, to what dreams you will or won’t pursue and what kind of person you will become. That guy or girl you marry will affect you more than anyone else in your life, for better or for worse. Up until my wedding, I never really thought about that…or maybe I couldn’t see the reality of it. Now my biggest piece of advice for those I love who are single is to choose wisely and don’t settle for less.
How do you choose wisely? By asking the right questions to yourself, to trusted family and friends, and especially to the Lord. Now, before you say this doesn’t apply to you because you “aren’t looking to get married any time soon,” you’re “just into dating,” I would say you should be asking yourself these questions even before you think about spending time with someone that you see potential in.
What To Look For
(Questions to ask yourself about him or her):
- Does this person acknowledge God as Lord and the best friend of his or her life? Is this person molded by God or molded by the people around him or her? Is he or she really committed to knowing God and what God wants, or is his or her spirituality just for you?
- Does this person have a teachable spirit? Is this person quick to learn from situations, or does he or get mad easily and blame things on other people? Is this person willing to listen to criticism and the opinions of others? How does this person respond to you when you do or say something he or she doesn’t like?
- Do you feel the Lord is giving you the “okay”? Have you prayed about it? Seriously? Are you willing to not pursue this relationship if you felt the Lord was telling you “no”?
- What are the people around you saying? Do your closest friends and family think this person is worth pursuing?
- Does he or she cause you to sin? Would you be compromising on your standards by pursing a relationship with him or her? Have you seen any red flags-sin or baggage that needs to be dealt with that shouldn’t be carried into a relationship (i.e. lust, anger, bitterness toward God)?
- Do you have similar life goals, dreams, and ideals? (Not that they have to be exactly the same, but have you made sure that neither of you are compromising what God has already told you to do?)
- How does this person treat other people (especially his or her family)?
- Is this person someone you would want to be influenced by? A person that you would want to wake up beside every morning? Someone you could be committed to working through their faults with? Someone you would trust to make some of life’s biggest decisions with?
- Have you put in the time to know if this person is who he or she says he or she is-consistently?
- Are you ready? Have you spent enough time with this person to know that your decision isn’t based on emotions? Is your heart prepared for a relationship? Do you fit these criteria?
There are often major differences between couples who have sought the Lord moved forward in a relationship wisely and couples who have carelessly jumped in and asked questions later.”
I know this may sound like a lot, and the truth is no one is perfect. But there are often major differences between couples who have sought the Lord moved forward in a relationship wisely and couples who have carelessly jumped in and asked questions later. I am blessed by my husband daily. He calms me down when I am feeling crazy. He speaks truth in my life when I need to hear it. When we get frustrated with each other he is quick to forgive and quick to say he is sorry. In all things I know he is on my team. The times I can see what a great guy he is the most are when I’m around a guy that is not at all like him. I am often surprised by harsh, abrasive, demanding men because I am not used to them. The reality of what life could have been like if I had married someone with an anger problem, or a problem connecting, or a struggle with lust leaves me feeling relieved and thankful. Life would be much more difficult if I had dated and married a man that wasn’t striving after God.
You Reap What You Sow
I mean this in a good way. If you take the time now to choose wisely and guard yourself from relationships that aren’t built on love and honesty, and aren’t helping you grow in your relationship with the Lord, you will reap the benefits in marriage. You will save yourself a lot of heartache and keep from giving yourself away emotionally, physically, and spiritually.
Hey, this is a WONDERFUL article. I'm one of those females…that has not dated yet nor had her first kiss or even have held hands with a guy yet…but I do think about my future husband often and I do pray for him. I value love and I know it's something very special and I want to be special for my future husband. I also know that I am a special God-fearing young woman and it is going to take a special God-fearing man to be able to take the role of being my husband. At times it seems hopeless…I feel like I'll never finally meet him and be happy raising a Christian family…because this world is so evil and I don't see enough young men out there today who can even be CONSIDERED. Thus, I know that whoever he is…that he's one special and rare guy…and a true gift from God. I also know that I strive to be that Virtous Woman and that as rare as she is, so too is her husband. Again, thank you for this article…it gives the women like us waiting…hope.
Keep it up Alicia 🙂 Don't kiss him, don't hold hands with him, until you marry him 🙂 that way you are all his, and no one elses. I hope that my wife will be that way when our marriage day comes, a "chaste virgin" that loves that Lord.
Great article Kristy! I would add that in choosing wisely now, I think that choosing not to date someone is just as valid a choice as choosing who . When we're young, I think you would probably agree that dating a bunch of different people would be a mistake. But yeah, great article, and it's what we need to hear. It's so easy to fall into the trap of loving someone who the Lord didn't have for us, and looking away from faults that really need to be addressed. I have a friend who started in on a relationship with someone who he later found out wasn't even a Christian, and now he's hurt and having a really hard time breaking up. Might pray for him if you think about it. But anyway, thanks Kristy!
Thanks so much for responding! It's so great to hear that you are commited to being virtous and not settling for less when it comes to the guys. I know it may seem like it's never going to happen especially because you don't know many quality guys right now but let me encourage you to hold out. They are out there and God is completely able to bring them to you–you don't have to go looking for them. God has perfect timing and a great plans for you. Just seek Him. One thing I have noticed in my life and a lot of other people I know is that it wasn't until I trusted the Lord in this area with my whole heart that he brought someone into my life. Once I learned that my life belong to God and I would be okay without a guy in my life it was then that I found my husband. I see so many of my friends experience the same thing. They struggle and put a huge fight with the Lord and when they give in and trust him this great guy pops up in their lives.
thanks, jeepman! 🙂
this articles nails questions to ask in time when fellowshipping sis/bros think is best to get what you can, thats awsome that there is still godly people out there; Kristy thanks and peace
This is the best thing ever. I'm 22 and never had a boyfriend but some of my friends keep rushing into relationships that are not right. this helpd alot thanks.
I first have to say that you have done good and are continuing to do good by keeping yourself pure and being head strong when it comes to relationships. I like to hear that it is possible and I like to hear about those who are living the way God intended.
There are others out there infact I have met a few young men who are staying strong and following after what they know to be true and righteous. The thing I have come to understand is that there is a serious attack on the men of this generation pornography is at its peak and sexual morality is at an all time low. Guys are having a hard time right now. They are seeing woman dress more and more provocative and they are becomming more sexually attracted to women. I have a couple guy friends that I talk to about this sort of thing (trying to get insight) and they say that it is hard to look at some girls with the way they present themselves and not be sexually attracted to them. The girls of this generation need to get their heads on straight, they(we) are causing our own problem when it comes to guys being so overly occupied with sex. Any way I wanted to let you know that there are a couple real men out there that will be on the same standard you have put yourself on. Good luck and use those spiritual eyes to find one not your mind or your heart, they'll try to trick you.
-Charity
Thanks, this article encouraged me. I have never really went on a date or kissed. I have had boyfriends but that is about it. It gives me courage to know that if I just wait God will send me the right guy when he wants me to have a guy. I have been single for a over a year and I believe that if I have to be single for a long time then it will be worth it waiting on the right guy that way I won't get hurt. It is hard to be single but I would rather be single and wait then to get into a relationship that brings me down!!!!
~Philipians 4:13~ You can wait for the right one with God's strength!!!
God will give you girlfriend/boyfriend!!! Pray for your girlfriend/boyfriend~~~
Coming from someone who, in my earlier years, did not abide by what Kristy has written, I felt compelled to give a different perspective for any who struggle with the fact that they have indeed held hands, kissed, or even had sex in their quest for determining who the "right one" is for them. Please don't be discouraged!!! God's grace is so full and abounding, and His forgiveness cleanses sin so fully from our lives that every inch of us is washed white in Jesus' blood.
If you have made those mistakes and reaped the mounds of hurt and remorse, take comfort in our Lord and Savoiur's goodness and grace to know that His forgiveness is given freely when asked.
In weak and forgetful moments, I worry that the day the God-fearing Christian the Lord is leading me to spend my life with is made known to me, my mistakes will be the disappointment and disgrace that drives a spike in that potential relationship. I'm sure that any of you who may have suffered through the effects of poor decisions can share this thought with me. But hope is not lost!!! There is One who has forgiven, and His is the only forgiveness required. Until we can trust fully in God's saving grace to understand that we are His child and He accepts us as clean through Jesus, we will never be set free in our love and relationship with Him.
I cannot depend on my future spouse (whoever they may be) to fill the hole I created in my life in the acts which ultimately separated me from my God. Only my God can refill those holes permanently to make me whole in Him. God loves more freely and deeply than any man or woman could. Jesus' love is so awesome and beyond comprehension and He always accepts us and always loves us. From this should our comfort and strength be drawn, and not the prospects of a person unknown who in nature is fallible by choice and thus capable of disappointing us.
This is not to alienate or berate any other human out there nor the marriage relationship, but to make us realize that our fulfillment will never be found in any other than Jesus open, loving arms.
So date Jesus, sing to Jesus, confide in Jesus, cry on Jesus' shoulder, and love Him so fully that you don't realize where you've been or who may or may not be in your life!
I have a question for the single guys out there. I'm guessing y'all want your wives to be virgins, right? =) Is it important to you that your wife has not kissed anyone else? That her first kiss would be with you at the alter? Is this something that you would really admire in her? Because I'm a single girl and I'm telling you… guys, save your first kiss. Really do. It'll make it so much more special with your spouse. I'm not necessarily saying date-kissing is wrong, but to me (a virgin-lipped courtship kind of girl) the first kiss is very important. Just thought I'd share my thoughts and ask a question on that.