I heard a story on the radio this week where a lady referred to her current husband (# 3) as her first. She claimed that her previous two marriages were only trial runs and that you have to try spouses on until you find the one that fits.
The story immediately rubbed against my Christian values (especially since I was still thinking about the whole friends with benefits fallacy). After the story was over and I turned off the stereo, I had to ask myself, “Why is this such a big deal? Why do I get so defensive when I hear stories like this one?”
As a believer, I care deeply about what God’s Word instructs me to do. On account of this, if God tells me that marriage is forever or that I should only have one wife, I seek to obey what He has commanded. But on what grounds has He commanded me? Why would God ask such things of me? Has God given us rules in an arbitrary manner, or is there purpose behind them? I think the correct answer is the latter of the two, and I think that is why I get so defensive when I hear stories like the one above.
As I stated above, I am a believer. This means that I have placed my faith in Jesus. I have publicly affirmed my belief that 1) I am sinful, 2) God is just, 3) Because of this I deserve to spend all of eternity separated from God 4) But God, in His infinite love sent Jesus to pay the penalty for my sins, and (4) that because I believe this – because I place my faith in Jesus – I know that I can now spend all of eternity with God. This belief that I have is huge. It affects every aspect of my life. One primary aspect that it affects is my belief in God’s wisdom. How can I place my faith in Jesus but not trust that what He has commanded me is of equal importance. Let me bring this diversion back to our case in point.
God has designed marriage in a certain manner (to be a lifetime commitment between one man and one woman – Genesis 2). His commands that I marry once, that I refrain from sexual activity outside of marriage, and that my marriage must be a lifetime commitment is based on His knowledge of what He has designed. There is wisdom in obeying God’s commands for more than the fact that He is God. We should obey His commands (like the ones above) because He is looking out for our own good when He gives them to us. Not obeying God’s commands is like ignoring the rules at the pool. If we fail to follow the instructions provided to us my by the creator, we are putting ourselves in risk.
That is why I disagree with this lady’s testimony. I think it is unwise ignore God’s clear instructions. He knows what is best for us.
you are right to stick your committment, however, the old testment teaches us that divorce was provided to us because we are weak. i react the same way. We have to be careful not to be prideful of our own ability to stick to this commitment while each of us strugles with other committments.
We are in a place of grace, trusting God, and working on our sin with his guidance. We all have barrels full of sin and commitments to address. We will all have many failures but by his grace we are righteous.
So, this lady is righteous in him. We should be glad that she is open to sharing her own testimony of struggle and is trusting God in her own development.
My own arwareness of personal failure should be enough to embrace her testimony.
i love your website!
JIM
They’re called starter marriages. Most folks we meet expect to have them. Those marriages are a stepping stone, so to speak, that lasts 5 years or less and usually produces no children. We have WAY too many friends and family members who laugh and joke it off and say it was good practice (living together, merging “stuff” like stereos, learning to share a closet, etc.) for the real thing.
These folks usually say that shacking up as soon as they’re engaged is fine, being engaged for years is fine, and they almost never merge their bank accounts, and if they do aren’t completely honest to their spouse about what they make or how they’re spending their money. “If my husband knew how much I spend on shoes…” or “Yeah, she thinks I bring home $2500 a month but it’s really $3000 and the rest goes into an account that she doesn’t know about.” We hear it ALL THE TIME.
It baffles us. But then you stop and think about it and it makes perfect sense. In today’s western world everyone has their own stuff from birth. Folks get pregnant with another child and then upsize to a larger home so that each kid can have their own room and their own bathroom. You turn 16, you get your own car. Those folks didn’t have to learn to share a closet as kids because their parents didn’t afford them the privilege of learning the virtues of patience, tolerance and real love that lays down it’s life for his friends. It’s sad.
However, what is more sad to me are the folks whose parents’ marriages ended in divorce, and then they were shuffled amongst the 1/2 sibblings and step families, usually being abused in some form, and then never settle down into marriage in the first place because they know first hand what it means to be the child of divorce. Their goal in life is to not be divorced, so they avoid marriage. So they co-habit and date a lot, break off relationships, rekindle and break off again, and but then something happens. They reach their 40 and realize they’ve never had kids. So they settle down with someone, anyone, and have a kid.
But that doesn’t satisfy. They’ve grown accustomed to having things their own way… depending on themselves without any accountability or sense of community. And they have also acquired the habit of leaving a relationship when times get rough. On top of all of this, young women today have been trained to enter the work force not to run a household. So when she has a baby a woman is way more comfortable returning to the work she’s faced for 20 years than a crying, squishy, stinky blob. So she returns to her career, her husband to his own, and the child is sent to strangers for survival, and instead of a family growing together in the same direction, everyone is all over the place pursuing his and her own desires and never being fulfilled.
Because what they desire is to fill the void of family, and they don’t know how to have one. No one has ever modeled for them how to do life. They truly believe that a good life just happens to some folks and doesn’t happen for others. And that ought to be the single goal of today’s church: to model how to do life. How to be family. That’s it.
I am asking for prayer for my children and their marriages. My eldest and his wife of 10 years and three children are separated. I believe that God has given them the provisions to withstand if they would obey. Please pray for Marquese and Esther.
Thank you and God bless.